You’re going to a sex club. Hopefully, you’re bringing a female (single men are dime a dozen anywhere, sex clubs are no exception). You’ve read all the rules on the webpage of your chosen establishment. Now. What to wear? What did that web page text really say? Classy? Sexy? No street clothes? What is that supposed to mean? Here’s a guide on what sex clubs will not tell you.
Like it or not, this seemingly small detail is a thinking man’s dilemma. Because what you wear very much says who you are, even if you’re wearing precious little of it. If you wear the wrong stuff, or in the wrong manner – be sure that once inside the doors of the club, you’ll feel like an idiot.
First off, read the rules. There will always be a website with rules, directions and more or less seedy pictures of the establishment. Invariably, even for the good places, the website will have the look and feel of late 90’s sex shop, sometimes complete with spinning pink dildos and ridiculously calcified emoticons. You’ll probably struggle to read it from your smartphone. Innovation and technology aren’t the forte of sex club owners.
For themed nights – the answer on what to wear is easy. If it’s fetish night and you’re told to show up in PVC, leather or other specifically personal gear – well, then the message is clear. If that’s not your thing, or you don’t own any of it, stay clear. Those are special nights with special rules of clothing and engagement. You will not be let in through the door in anything other than actual fetish gear. Or at least unless you can prove you will change into it once you’re through the door and there’s a specific dressing area before you enter the club.
Same thing goes for upscale, invitation-only sex parties. Either there will be a very specific description on what to wear – such as perhaps and not uncommonly, a suit or tuxedo for gentlemen and (as per usual) just about anything for the ladies.
Women are spoilt for choice when it comes to lingerie and sex clothes. The topic on what a woman can wear to a sex club is no trivial discourse. It hinges on her personality, her mood, her partner’s mood, the current shape of the moon and the migrations of caribou. In short, that’s a subject for Mistress to elaborate on, not me.
That said. If your girl doesn’t know what to wear to such an occasion, you probably shouldn’t be taking her to a sex club anyway. Or possibly, you shouldn’t even be dating her.
Sorry. Don’t be angry. You know I’m right.
But what if it’s any ordinary sort of night, where you have nothing to go on but vague descriptions? You’ll often see the line “no street clothes”, but that doesn’t really mean anything. Some people wear better street clothes than others. The point is (usually) to send a signal of bringing “better” and “appropriate” clothes and presumably not show up in your sweatpants but if you think about it – what’s the proper attire for a couple’s, trio’s or even gangbang night? You won’t be engaged all the time, not all areas are play areas and you’ll want to cover up anyway every now and then, if for nothing else than for the sheer pleasure of removing clothes and getting that throbbing bone out of your pants – handsomely with a pop.
The cold truth is that regardless of what it said on that website, most of the guys in there will be wearing their shorts. Those that are either especially tasteless or proud of their physique (and why not) will be topless. That’s the reality. You and your lady will be wading through a line a semi-hard-cocked guys with more or less human bodies in their underwear. Sometimes they’ll be wearing sandals like the ones you see people at your local swimming pool wear. Sometimes, very rarely, they’ll be wearing socks.
Do not, under any circumstance have sex with people wearing socks on pure principle. It doesn’t matter how huge their cocks are. If they are wearing socks they need to be punished.
I’ve always struggled with men who wear sandals anywhere – let alone sex clubs, but if that’s your thing or you’re terribly afraid of athletes foot – very few clubs will make you take these off. Though it doesn’t make much sense, does it? Athletes foot is probably one of the most benign germs you can contract while frolicking around on the rough plastic mattresses of a sex club that presumably has hosted a score of more or less healthy… hosts.
SO WHAT’S THE DAMN ANSWER?
We’ve established that compared to women, men are left few choices on clothes in sex clubs.
In this setting, lack of choice is also your answer.
Wear simple but immaculate things. Clean cut, monotone preferably dark colored clothes of good quality. Invest in a pair of fancy black pants – or fashionable skinny jeans if that’s your thing. An exceptional quality black or white t-shirt. Bring a pair of dress shoes with that – or go barefoot (make sure they are clean – decent sex clubs provide you with a locker in which to store your personal things and clothes you showed up with). If you’re using shorts, go for black simple ones that aren’t super logo branded at the waistband. Don’t be gaudy or showy about it.
Don’t wear sandals. Don’t wear socks. Don’t wear your worn, favorite t-shirt. Don’t wear anything with type or print on it, particularly if it’s a novelty. Be groomed, look simple and functional. There’s practically no limit on what you can spend on simple, well-cut clothing even when it comes down to just pants, shorts, and a dress shirt, or t-shirt. That’s quite enough. Go for the high street stuff if you can afford it (again, avoid showy logos), or take the COS-counterpart if you can’t. Whatever you do, look simple and clean.
Want to spice it up? Forget the underwear shorts, just wear the pants. Slowly unbuttoning your black jeans (blue jeans are probably what would be considered street clothes) while you and your partner watch a scene unfolding is erotic in itself. The feeling of coarse material against your dick and her (or his) hand reaching for your boner is a sensation to be savored slowly, building your own steam. You will feel like a man with pants on. Trust me, these come off just as easily as shorts do, but make you feel a lot less like a horny peeping tom schoolboy.
Prefer a shirt to a t-shirt? That’s fine. Wear a black or white one. Prefer thin collars to pointy ones (disco is dead, man). Favor shirts meant to wear without tucking them in, they are usually slimmer but you don’t have to wear them all evening and you won’t have to look like a burlap sack that escaped the barn. Forget other colors than black and white. Forget purple, yellow doesn’t exist. Forget prints, patterns and tartans and crappy flannel stuff. Be simple. There will be enough color as it is. Most swinger clubs have the color arrangements of either hell (which is a good thing), or an exploded circus tent (which is less of a good thing). Also, you want the spotlight on the woman you hopefully walked in with. You’re not supposed to be in a peacock contest. Let her shine. Be the perfect backdrop and she will thank you for it.
Remove personal jewelry such as neck chains and bracelets and also your watch. Apart from the fact that it looks a lot better and is more functional as it won’t get caught on anything or anyone, you also stand a very real risk of losing it in the heat of the moment. Going back to the play area of a club crawling on the floor looking for your personal effects while people around your are fist fucking their partners is amusing to everyone except you. Spare yourself that experience.
Feels too clean or impersonal? You’ve probably bought the wrong set of simple clothes. But if not – and you want to personalize things a bit, then why not go for a thin scarf (again, watch out for too much color). If you buy one that’s long enough – it may even come in handy during play…
In conclusion, apart from suppression of the gag reflex, a well-dressed male is a beautiful thing to watch in a sex club. A well-dressed male in a sex club will stand out head and shoulders above the crowd of boys in their shorts and socks. He will also – clearly put, attract more people. So invest some time and money to purchase things that make you look good but that are also within your comfort zone.
Sex clubs are the pantheons of superficiality.
Act like it.